In our work as coaches there seems to be a plethora of ‘thinking positively’ self-help everywhere on social media. But is thinking positively actually holding you or your clients back?

Positivity seems to have become an obsession for some people who hold a belief that it is the key to everything – success, money, confidence, emotional resilience, even a higher spiritual state. Where it becomes difficult and toxic for our clients, and even ourselves as coaches, is where every set back, bad thing or failure is framed as some sort of higher cosmic life lesson in disguise. We’re primed by social media gurus to reframe our thoughts away from the ‘bad’ toward the ‘good’ and flipping the narrative that everything is a gift sent to teach us a life lesson for which we should be grateful. And in doing so we supposedly become a better person, more emotionally or spiritually attuned.

The movement is everywhere: people living their best social media life where everything they touch turns to gold. The lifestyle freedom. The money. Carefully curated personal brands emulating of ‘having this life thing all figured out‘. Getting up at 5am, cold showers, gym every day, living on organic smoothies etc etc. A life illusion devoid from reality for the majority of people. The growing dissonance between the publicly curated image being projected and the truth that keeps that engine running behind it. When we absorb the positivist guru mantras, though, are we living our life? Or performing it?

When the ‘I’ve got this life thing sussed‘ thing isn’t working out the way it’s supposed to, the positivist school of thought is to double down on that toxic positivity: journalling, gratitude lists, meditations, positive thoughts that life is all unfolding perfectly and the way it’s meant to be. Using spiritual or cosmic vibration-type language to seemingly suppress and override any discomfort. It is all a life lesson from which there is something to be learned for the personal higher good in every experience. A feeling of being noble and enlightened in being able to rise above it. Even when deep down the hominoid discomfort instinct gnaws inside. The trap of lying to oneself and everyone else to keep up the image, not listening to ourselves. Inside we feel … existentially empty.

Throughout our lives we are conditioned to build our lives around the idea that with our constantly positive mindset we will achieve success from which will flow peace, joy, purpose, money, things. The whole package. We absorb these ‘teachings’ from mentors, self-styled ‘gurus’, podcasts, books, affirmations, breathwork, retreats. An endless culture of hustle, grind and productivity, pushing ourselves toward the next big thing.

And then, one day, a crossroad is reached where we become existentially exhausted.  We start questioning the concept of societal pressures, success and authenticity. We realize we’ve been chasing societies’ definition of success and adopting other’s goals and ideals. Because we think that is what success is. In doing so, positivity becomes a kind of mental brainwashing of sorts. And in the endless positivist cycle focusing on achieving success, we don’t question the journey.

Anytime uncomfortable emotions creep in, we dismiss them. Faking optimism, we tell ourselves we just need an energy shift. To raise our vibration. Realign intentions. Get back in the flow state. Keeping up the public image of success. All the while ignoring the gnawing internal truth.

Until one day we realize those deep anxieties and uncomfortable emotions are actually borne from ignoring our truth and suppressing intuition. Yet when we start paying attention and really listening to ourselves and our internal compass, we realize the uncomfortable emotions and anxieties we’ve been trying to repress aren’t trying to sabotage us, they’re sometimes trying to protect us from paths we aren’t meant to be on anymore. If we start listening to ourselves, our internal moral compass kicks in: we instead start viewing obstacles not as things to overcome, but as signposts.

These signposts point us to areas of our lives in we are uncomfortable. This signposting is where we need to start letting go: not of our goals and ambitions necessarily, but of the internal hunger for our lives to look and be a certain way. By stripping away the layers that sit uncomfortably, we start redefining success on our own terms, not what others think defines success.

By stripping away the layers that make us feel uneasy, we start finding a path unfolding path of alignment that feels true and authentic – not just what looks good for our public image or to fit the definition of ‘success‘ we’ve brainwashed ourselves to believe. The more we start building our lives from a place of alignment with what feels true to ourselves, the more confident and surer of ourselves we become. We leave behind the need for validation in other’s eyes to creating a re-defined life of meaning and authenticity.

As we start letting go we understand we do not need to feel or portray being “positive” all the time. We do not need to impress others. We build deeper connections with and attract people who resonate with who we are and our story, not the version we had been performing. We become free of the shackles of others’ expectations of success, and start a journey of building success and truth that matters to us and aligns with our internal compass.

 Our focus becomes sharper when we come from a place of truth and authenticity and what really matters to us. We no longer need to second-guess ourselves to please or fit others’ life definitions. Our concept of the ‘success mindset’ becomes more about our truth and integrity. We no longer need to ‘perform’.

Positivity isn’t always empowering. Sometimes it limits who we are, masking our own truth and authenticity becoming a way to avoid emotional intimacy with ourselves, with others, with reality, to maintain a healthy life balance.

What really makes us powerful as individuals is the ability to balance staying within ourselves with being true to ourselves – even when things feel heavy, confusing or chaotic. That’s where our real power lies, in our own internal compass and the internal relationship we have with ourselves. The awareness, openness and willingness to recognize and feel our truth and what is real for us: what we really want. Trusting that once we are on our path that life will unfold in our authentic truth, not by mindlessly chasing toxic and fake positivity ‘performance’ that are no more than societal standards and others’ views of success.